What to Do When a Friend Has a Problem with You
by Matt Kahn
Friendship is an agreement of respect, support, and encouragement. Nowhere in that description does it state the rightful ability to project a problem anyone may be having onto those who have simply agreed to respect, support and encourage someone’s evolving experience. If someone has a problem with you, in most instances, the one doing the accusing is the one they actually have problems with — underneath it all.
While it can seem instinctive to point this out, it mostly causes the one doing the projecting to accuse you of the very behavior you are trying to bring to their attention. This is a form of gaslighting that most people are unaware they are doing. When it occurs, it creates a power struggle, where the one being projected upon is likely to leave the interaction, exhausted, disempowered, and more doubtful of themselves, while spending time that would have been devoted to their own self-care, expending the life force energy they actually need for replenishment on over-processing the effect of these unconscious disempowering tendencies.
When sharing space with someone else’s problem,
friendship respects a difference of viewpoints, supports their ability to find the care they require, and encourages them in knowing they are never alone,
no matter how isolated it can feel to project personal problems onto those with whom they do not apply. In fact, the reason isolation can be felt when problems are projected is due to how separate people can feel, not from the solutions to their problems, but how further away they have drifted from the nurturing power of self-accountability.
Since those who project are unconscious empaths with no greater interest in knowing themselves more deeply, they have yet to realize how empathic it is to feel the very feelings of discord they are causing in others by pushing away support in attempt to make their personal burden anyone else's problem to fix.
When rooted in heart-centered consciousness, no true friend has any need to solve anyone’s personal problem, since any perception of problem merely foreshadows the inevitable incoming arrival of greater perspectives into view.
No matter the clarity or judgments within anyone’s sharing, it is always your choice to determine who you wish to support and encourage,
while respecting the dignity of personal boundaries, so that no one else’s unconscious patterning invites you to further disrespect the availability of your time.
Even when others are unable to meet in the true sovereign space of friendship, it could only be a deeper invitation to find others who match the respect, support, and encouragement you offer, even when such a respectful, supportive, and encouraging friend can only be found inside your heart.
In a nutshell, let's be friends with those who inherently know how to share in the beauty of friendship. Perhaps not being so unfriendly to our own needs, while daring to be more friendly and welcoming toward any depth of loneliness we feel. This is far more insightful and empowering than trying to teach and transform those who have no interest in being open to anything else but the demands they impose onto others.
